I have been thinking about what to write for a little while now. I wanted God to use my words and my struggles to help others. I don't think I was quite ready for what the Lord needed me to write and show me until recently. I want Him to use my weaknesses to uplift others and for others to see that there is hope in Christ.
As many of you know, we welcomed our sweet baby girl, Payton, into this world on May 1, 2014. My oh my, what a blessing she is! She is bubbly, sweet, beautiful, full of smiles, and totally different than her brother (which is totally fine! :)) She changed my world for the better. It was so hard imagining loving another child besides Brody before Payton was born. After she was born, I realized very quickly that you can. Watching my children together is one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. I love how Brody wants to hold her, kiss her, bring her toys, and talk to her. I love how she just watches him and smiles! I pray for their relationship daily! I hope they are the best of friends! Brody is seriously the only one who can just talk to her and smile at her and she just giggles!! It is so sweet! he is already so protective of her and I hope he always stays that way!!
Also, as many know, I have a very strong desire to be a stay-at-home mommy (or part time SAHM). That is my heart. I love my kiddos and I love being home with them. Going back to work this year was extremely difficult for me. I cried.....and cried.......and cried some more. I cried before I was even back at work just thinking about going back. My heart was literally breaking leaving them. Now I will be honest, it was not quite as hard leaving Brody this time as it was Payton. Brody LOVES school and his friends. It makes it easier leaving him knowing that he is having so much fun at school and learning and developing. But Payton, she's just a sweet baby. When I left her the first day, she just started at me as I walked away. I felt like she was thinking, "Mommy, why are you leaving me?" In fact, it brings a tear to my eye writing this and just thinking about it.
Daily thoughts of being an inadequate mother consumed me while I was at work. Thoughts like, "Why are you not with your baby? You are her mommy. You are supposed to be taking care of her. Not other people.", "She needs me. She will be sad without me.", "Why can't I find a feasible way to work part-time and be home part-time. I am doing something wrong to not find a way. Other mom's do it. I should be able to.", "I don't have enough faith to just make it work. I am disappointing God to not try and make it work and just trust Him." Have you ever had these thoughts? I bet a lot of you have! I realized that these thoughts were straight from Satan. They were thoughts to bring me down, make me feel inadequate, and make me feel like something I defiantly am not!
Are these thoughts in and of themselves bad? No. I don't think so. I think some are natural. However, it is bad when you start to believe them. And I was starting to believe them. It is especially hard here in Bentonville to be a working mom. There are so, so many moms who are SAHM's here. I mean so.many!! To not be one almost makes you feel like a failure of a mom. At least to me it did. There are all these moms reading stories to their kids in the morning, playing on the playground, going to story time at the library, etc. and I am working and not doing those things with my kids. Again, another lie from Satan.
The Lord began pointing out some very clear things to me lately. He pointed out all the many blessings He HAS given me. We desired and prayed for our children. The Lord blessed us beyond measure with our two little bundles of sweetness, Brody and Payton. We prayed that I would get a job. After not knowing anyone affiliated with the Bentonville schools, not even moved to Bentonville yet, my certification not fully transferred from Texas to Arkansas, and having a phone interview, I got my position (that literally hundreds of others applied for.) We prayed for a home that would be good for us here. We found just that. We prayed for a larger car for me after Payton was born. We got just that, and not only that but the exact one we wanted that we thought we could never afford. We really desired new couches (we didn't necessarily pray for this-just a desire), and the Lord blessed us with new ones. We were at the store one day and I saw a power wheels car. I told Aaron, I really wish we could afford one of those for Brody. He agreed. We moved on and didn't think anything else of it. Two days later, one was pulling up in our driveway, basically brand new, that someone was giving us. The last two things were not something we necessarily prayed for but I mention them to show that God wants to give us our desires. He likes seeing us happy.
We pray for protection and health and for God to provide for us. We have food, water, clothes, heat, air, and health insurance be able to take care of our family. We prayed that after Payton was born I would be able to stay home and not have to go back to work after a few weeks. He provided that and then some money to make it by! These are just a few of the big things. There are so many more and then many small things that He has done. He began just revealing these to me one after another, after another, after another. I know that God doesn't always give us what we ask for or pray for. But I think He just wanted to show me how many things He has given me that I have asked for. He wanted to show me how much He HAS blessed me. I was forgetting about how much He HAS done for us!! He has done so much on the flip side too! He has not always given us exactly what we asked for but something better! Something that He knew we needed more or differently. And not necessarily always "things" but even just situations working out, etc. God showed me that my prayers were all about me and my wants and desires. Don't get me wrong. It is not bad to present those to our Heavenly Father at all! He wants us to tell Him all those things! But when we forget to thank Him for all He has done and praise Him and ask for HIS will be done rather than ours, even through our wants and desires, we need to refocus.
I mean - how could you not want to spend all day with those faces?? :)
He then asked me, "Why do you forget all the things I HAVE given you that you have asked for exactly? This is one prayer (prayer to be able to stay home at least part time) that I haven't answered yet or have not answered necessarily how you think I should. Don't you believe I am still good? Can't you see I have all your best interest in mind? Can't you see I WANT to provide exactly what you want? You just have to trust. You just have to believe that I am in control and I have your best interest at heart. Sometimes what you want isn't what I know you NEED!"
The other day Brody was on our inflatable slide. He was at the top and petrified to come down. He was afraid water was going to get on his head (another blog in and of itself! :)) I remember being at the bottom of the slide. I literally laid myself up the slide and reached my hand as far up as I could. G o ahead and laugh as you imagine my 28 year old self laughing UP the slide trying to get my almost 3 year old down. I said "Brody, come on baby. I have you. I won't let anything bad happen to you. Please just take Mommy's hand." He kept refusing and crying. He was so scared! He was so scared of what he thought was going to happen. He couldn't trust me and what I knew. I knew the water wasn't going to get on his head. I knew he would be fine and as soon as I could get him, I would sweep him up in my arms and let him know it was okay. He could not see what I could see. Once he finally reached for me and I grabbed him, he held on tight and knew he was then okay.
I feel like God feels the same with me. He knows what I cannot see. He knows why He has me working right now and not staying home with my kiddos. I just have to reach out and trust Him with the situation. He will hold me tight through it and in the end, hopefully I can see His purpose through this in the end. However, I may never see it fully and I still have to trust His heart. I will tell you this year that I have been able to talk about Jesus to one of my students already (by him asking me questions since I am in public school and cannot bring it up or talk about it in class.) I have also already had students come to me and say that they have never liked Math so much and they are learning so much already. Maybe that is why He has me here, maybe not.
It is necessarily easier for me being away from my kids everyday. It still stinks. I still don't like it. However, my heart is in a different place. I still cry most mornings when I pull out of the driveway. I still think about my kids like crazy at work. I still wonder how their day is going and if they are okay and safe. I still wonder if they miss me and hope they know how much I wish I could be home and that it isn't because I don't want to be with them. I still am hopeful that one day I can at least do part-time. Even though it stinks, I am able to trust God in the situation instead of always begging and asking why I can't. Instead of asking why He won't answer the way I think He should. He has brought me some peace in this situation. I still pray for more and more everyday. I need it new everyday. I need his love and arms around me everyday. Everyday, He meets me. He pulls me off my slide every morning as I pull out of my driveway with tear stained eyes and say good-bye to my children for the day. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving.
I cannot see His plan. I cannot see His purposes right now. I can see His love and his goodness. I see His MANY blessings in my life. I CHOOSE to be joyous over those instead of being upset. He's got this. He can handle it. I choose to believe that He has a purpose for this and I choose to trust Him and allow Him to fulfill that purpose. I have to choose this every single day! It isn't easy by any means. My heart still longs for the day to be able to stay home. But I choose Him over me. I choose His will over my plan.
What are you struggling with today? Are you forgetting to look at God's blessings in your life? Are you trusting in Him and letting Him pull you off your slide? Or are you sitting at the top, terrified, unaware of how you will get down?
I hope this has helped even just one person in some way. May the Lord reveal Himself to you as needed.
God Bless you.
The Lord prompted me to get this Bible verse on my planner this year. I know exactly why now!
1 John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less."
Karlee
(Professional pictures done by Sarah Pope Photography, Simply Bliss Photography, and KiraWhitney Photography)
